I Can't Make Eye Contact
I don't know why I feel so compelled to share this but...I have only shared this in its entirety to a handful of people if that. This is the long story short version. (Even though its still long).
At about age 7 I had an older cousin take complete advantage of me sexually. As I got a little older...I was molested by an older man...I was able to stop it before it officially progressed to rape. Shortly after a cousin around my age took sexual interest in me. He did not rape me, but he groped me often, and grabbed me and held me while he relieved himself when I refused to do it for him. I met a guy. He was attractive, romantic, and protective. I felt secure. At first. When it turned sour it spiraled. First it was the conspiracy that all my male cousins were exes in disguise. So I had to delete them to show my affection for him. Then it was paranoia that time away from him was time spent with an ex or any other man for that matter...soon I was being isolated from family friends and didn't even fully realize it during the transition. It got so bad I had become conditioned to walk around with my head down for fear of upsetting him if my eyes met with another mans, because then I would become all kinds of promiscuous names. Sexually it didn't really matter how I felt or wanted. If I said that angle hurt he didn't care because he liked it. Then it turned physical. Everything from being thrown around the room, choked, thrown out of moving cars on the high way, arms and legs slammed in doors (house/car) when trying to get away. Phones smashed when trying to call for help. Threats with a gun on myself and anyone that came to help me get away from him. After every physical altercation he would cry and apologize and tell me he was monster. He would ask me to pray for him and save him. Me being who I am couldn't resist helping someone that wanted to find Jesus. I didnt want to be accountable for him not reaching Heaven after asking me for help. I couldn't deny him that...I believed I could help get the demon out...smh...
One day he told me I could leave...and he left the house. I stood there in shock for a moment then hurried to grab everything I could that was mine and called a friend told her we had to be quick in case he came back changing his mind...and he did but we were already leaving the building he tried to stop us...but by the Grace of God no one got hurt. He tried a few times to get me back and tried to track me down...but thankfully he let me go for real without anymore damage.
And I went straight into the arms of another man with a temper problem that he didn't reveal until after we were married and bringing life into the world. That situation is still being dealt with so I can't give details or most would know who this is and about. But it was physical, sexual, mental, emotional, financial, and any other form of abuse you can categorize. It was complete misery. I even attempted suicide. By the time we separated, I had reported him, I don't know why nothing changed, legally or at home from him or me. And now I am a single mom of two kids with no help from him. I am still to this day married and getting death threats from him. Yet able to smile with the Joy of the Lord knowing my kids are no longer living in fear of their father. The oldest nightmares seem to have past. (They are too young to know and understand it's not over for mommy, and I am thankful for that). Though my story is not over, I am hopeful that my cycle will soon end. Until then I am staying to myself working on me and focusing on my beautiful kids. If I have learned anything from this it is that I am a lot stronger then I give myself credit for. It has brought me so close to God because I truly feel he was my surviving factor.